I'm A Husband: The Blog of Pat Breslin

Wisdom Teeth Weekend

2010-06-12T21:03:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my Mom earlier tonight and she mentioned that a family friend of ours checked my website this weekend, and noticed that I haven't blogged since I got engaged, which is true. While my first thought was "Mom's friends are on my website?", my second reaction was that now's as good a time as any to start up again, since I've been stuck in all weekend long:

- I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday morning, which really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. And when I say "not as bad as I thought it would be", I should clarify that I really didn't think it would hurt too bad (my doctor said I just needed novocaine and didn't need to go under). My biggest fear was just that I would be outed as the giant man-wuss that I am, and yelp like a dog whose tail's been stepped on. You may think that's dramatic, but in little league I was so afraid of the ball that I almost batted from OUTSIDE the batter's box. I suck.

- Most awkward experience of the Wisdom Teeth Removal was making my follow-up appointment in 2 weeks (why is that necessary, by the way? Does he just want to make sure they're really gone??). I had an obnoxious Phillies shirt on, and one of the secretaries was a Flyers fan, so we bonded over their Stanley Cup Finals loss this week. And when I say "bonded", I mean that she didn't at all seem freaked out that I was carrying on a conversation with a swollen cheek and a huge blood-filled gauze pad in my mouth. I swear I talked hockey with these secretaries for a good five minutes, and the whole time I was all mumbles with my bloddy mouth wide open. Basically, it was exactly like a hockey post-game interview.

- Like most Americans, I've decided to try watching soccer this weekend...and so far, so good. I got through watching one entire game, and it wasn't awful. It kinda felt like voting for a local election - I felt mildly patriotic by doing so, but I won't remember I did this tomorrow. My only complaint so far: games that end in ties always suck. I can imagine it's a bummer for the players, but I feel like even more so for me - because even though nothing productive came from the game's result...at least those guys got some exercise. Can't say the same for myself.

- On, my other complaint about the World Cup: what's with the "giant swarm of bees" soundtrack to every game? Tell me I'm not the only person who's hearing that.

- My wife is currently at a bachelorette party, and I'm designated to pick up her and her girlfriends when they get back in an hour or so. She's actually been gone all day and night (with a brief pitstop here mid-day), because they had the girl's bridal shower this morning. Anyway, in descending order of lame-ness, here are the things I did today while she's been out:

- Made myself soup
- Ate Jell-o and pudding that Melissa prepared for me
- Spoke to my Mom a whopping three times
- Read Newsweek cover-to-cover and watched "The Special Relationship" on HBO
(just hand me a kid already, 'cause I'm already acting like a dad)
- Blogged
- Got so bored I almost started reading my wife's therapist books
- Made an iPod playlist of songs that my wife will tolerate me playing around
our condo, titled "Songs Melissa Tolerates"

So there you go. I'm back, and tomorrow shapes up to be a better day. I've gotten rid of two very unimportant teeth, and tomorrow I'll be back to 100%. We actually have a Christening to go to, which I totally could have gotten out of if I wanted to...and I never thought I'd be EXCITED to go to some strange kid's Baptism, but I am THAT starved for conversation right now. I suck.

Top 5 Save the Date Magnets

2009-05-05T17:36:00.001-07:00

About a month ago, Melissa and I ordered our Save the Date magnets online, and when they arrived in the mail everything in the picture looked fine...except that our faces were bright, shiny and orange. Everything had looked fine when we submitted it, but for whatever reason they printed out funny and we look like a bunch of very happy, very orange people (we were tan in the picture, but we look like Oompa Loompas in the magnet). Long story short, the company agreed to let us do-over for free and we ended up having to get my friend Eric, who has a really good camera, to take a picture of us at a park in his neighborhood a few weeks back, and they came out lovely. I just got notification that the new magnets have shipped and will arrive Thursday. If, for some reason, they come out making us looking different than we look in real life...then here are my Top 5 ideas on what to send out:

#5 - Original picture, with the question, "Orange you glad you're invited to our wedding?"

#4 - Original picture, with the phrase, "Shiny Happy People". Then post it on numerous Garden State Parkway tolls, giving thousands of 2009 Jersey shore-goers the impression we're a new R.E.M. cover band/duo.

#3 - Headshot of the Phillie Phanatic

#2 - My roommate just got a Save the Date magnet last week from some dude we used to know, and, no joke, it's a picture of the guy and his girlfriend sitting on a jetty staring at the beach. It looks ridiculous. It totally looks like a Valtrex commercial. If ours come back crappy, I'm sending this dude's magnet out.

#1 - No picture. Just the date (12/19/09), and phrase, "Where will amazing happen this year?"

Thanks.

Top 5 Things About Being Engaged

2009-02-25T19:10:00.000-08:00

I got engaged 11 days ago, on the steps outside the Art Museum in Philly (and not the main "Rocky" steps - too many morons running up and down). She said yes, it was great, it was awesome, it was wonderful....and I was a stuttering, sweating, crying, blubbering mess. The week and a half since has been a total blur...but now that we've set a date (December somethingth, this year) and I've had time to regroup, here are the top things I've noticed about being engaged so far:

- When you tell people you're engaged, one of their first questions is always, "Did you guys set a date??" Which is a perfectly legit question...except if they're asking an hour and a half into your engagement ("Actually, I haven't even gone to the bathroom yet"). I think most people really just ask because they feel like they have to ask, but I love how the ones who sound like they REALLY want to know are always the ones who you know aren't going to be invited anyway. ("Sure, when we do I'll let you know...so you can go ahead and make other plans for that day.")

- The other big one is "Was she surprised?" I don't really get that one - is it every girl's fantasy to get punk'd when we propose?

- In case you're just tuning in, Melissa and I met on Match.com. Which means I'm probably about 10 months away from being a Match.com commercial. Wonderful. ("This next guy coming to the stage works clubs and colleges, and you may also recognize him from cuddling with his wife in a hammock on TV...")

- I spent all of last weekend driving around North Jersey with Melissa and her parents, looking at different reception venues, smiling and nodding, and pretending to not be confused by the dinner menus. But the part I'm REALLY looking forward to is when we go DJ-shopping...because, believe it or not, I actually used to be a wedding DJ (cringe) for a few years in the late-90s (believe it). I have no idea which DJ we're going to go with...but my money's on whichever dude least reminds me of myself circa 1998 ("Shave that goatee and lose the visor, and we'll book you.")

- This is a truly unique time to be engaged. Melissa and I are in full-on "save mode" for the next 10 months, watching every penny we spend and trying to find any way possible to save. So I can't say I feel any different...because it feels like the rest of the country is engaged right now too.

Alright, that's all for now. I have to get back to deciding on a picture for the Save the Date magnets. Plenty more on all this to come.

Top 5 Disappointments From Eagles Game (Non-football-related)

2009-01-19T11:34:00.000-08:00

And when I say "non-football-related" I just mean that lots of plays during the game were disappointing, and I'm in no mood to cover them now. So here was everything else:

5) Going to an Eagles Party for the game: I wasn't superstitious, but I think I am now. Should have just stayed low-key and watched it a local bar like we did for the first couple playoff games...but instead we decided to show up at my friends' full-fledged Eagles party. And I'm sure that's the reason why our defense decided not to show up at the game.

4) Getting made fun of by everybody for wearing my McNabb jersey tucked into my jeans: I realize I look like a big dorky dad wearing my jersey like this, but it's a Large and if I untuck it almost goes down to my kneecaps and then I kinda look like an Eagles cheerleader who's wearing nothing but a jersey and heels in the March 2009 page of the team calendar. Except that I'm a guy, and I clearly have pants on. Whatever.

3) Bears fan sitting up front by the TV and being loud and annoying: No idea who this guy was, and thank God we weren't playing the Bears...but why were you at our party? You talked a lot, I couldn't tell if you were wearing a do-rag or not, and you were smiling way too much during the first half. Thank God you left at halftime, or this blog would be entirely about you.

2) Non-football smalltalk during extremely tense moments: It was 4th and ten, one last-ditch play for the Eagles left, when they cut to commercial for the two-minute warning...and one of my friends broke the silence by actually saying to me, "So how's comedy going?" I don't even think I moved my eyes from the screen and just said to Melissa, "Hon, can you deal with that for me?"

1) "Snow ahead" signs on the Turnpike on the ride back: We saw about eight of these on the hour ride back home, and kept wondering where the hell the snow was each time. What a tease. Kinda like when your favorite sports team gets within one win of the Super Bowl every other year, then stops playing.

And if you don't follow football, all you needed to know for this blog was that yesterday was the fifth NFC Championship Game the Eagles have played in during The Bush Administration. And it ended up being the fourth that they lost. So here's hoping for some real change. Mr. Obama, can you please stop the recession and get me a Super Bowl win too? That's all I ask. Thanks.

Personal Top Fives of 2008

2008-12-31T15:35:00.000-08:00

Who said the year completely sucked?

Top 5 Personal Best:

5 - First ever trip to West Coast
4 - Got iPhone
3 - Phils win World Series
2 - Obama/Biden wins
1 - Fell in love with a girl

Corresponding Playlist for Top 5 Personal Best:

5 - Going to California
4 - Viva la Vida
3 - Philadelphia Freedom
2 - Ebony & Ivory(?)
1 - Fell in Love With a Girl

Top 5 Awkward:

5 - (Tie) Melissa telling her parents about my Blog at dinner/My mom asking how to get on Facebook
4 - That benefit show I did for three hundred bikers (BIKERS, not dollars)
3 - My guy friends finding out I joined a book club (“The what Life of Bees?”)
2 - Attempting drums on Rock Band at Halloween party, appearing tone-deaf.
1 - At my nephew’s First Communion in April, there was a family in front of me in church with two young teenagers who kept tickling each other and playing grab-ass the whole time (and he kept whispering in her ear and giggling). Never found out if they were boyfriend/girlfriend or brother/sister. Creepy, bizarre, hilarious.

Top 5 Lived Up to Hype:

5 - Phelps at Olympics (had him in my Fantasy Swimming League)
4 - Ledger as The Joker (need to get him in my Fantasy Oscars League)
3 - Radiohead concerts (hey everybody, watch me geek-out for 2 hours)
2 - My friends’ weddings (oh wait, am I next?)
1 - Nadal vs. Federer (Breakfast at Wimbledon becomes lunch and then dinner)

Top 5 Pleasant Surprises:

5 - Match.com (see girlfriend)
4 - Fey as Palin (comedy perfection)
3 - Eagles humiliate Cowboys, sneak into playoffs on final week (Top Christmas presents ever?)
2 - Gas prices finally drop (no idea who’s responsible, but thank you)
1 - Turning 30, feeling no different (it’s the new 29)

Top 5 Letdowns:

5 - Chinese Democracy (a month later, already collecting dust)
4 - Celtics/Lakers (The Finals, not the Christmas Day game)
3 - CatholicMatch.com (don’t ask)
2 - Phillies victory parade (2 million drunk fans + parade never passing by me + public transportation nightmare = I have a headache)
1 - My 401k (I’m sorry, what 401k?)

Happy New Year, everybody.

Best Half-Game Ever

2008-10-29T21:10:00.001-07:00

It's almost midnight on Wednesday, and I just got the following text from from friend's wife, who is staying at a hotel in Philadelphia all week for a work conference:

"I just saw a guy climb a light pole and punch out the light. I am never getting to sleep tonight."

Of course he did. The Phillies just won their first World Series since Carter was in office, and the city's first pro sports title since I was five. That's a lot of years of waiting, and everyone's got their own way of celebrating. I just hope that light pole learned it's lesson.

I think I'm still in shock right now...mainly because I don't know how to react. Here's how I did, though: I watched the game at a mostly-empty bar in New Brunswick, with a couple of friends (non-Phillies fans) and a seat at the bar right in front of the screen. There was a group of about 10 out-of-town business-travelers there who were clearly freaked out by me and my repeated clapping and yelling. I heard them snicker, but they each looked like they've never felt passionately about anything, ever. Good - I wish them long flight delays when they leave.

As the half-game (I'll explain later, or just read the news) was winding down, I heard somebody else clapping along with me - and saw some dude with his girlfriend, both of them wearing Phillies jerseys. We nodded, and continued to feel cautiously optimistic. Three outs to go. Then two outs. Then a few strikes...and then the final strike came, and - I didn't think I had this in me - but I leapt up in the air and let out a yell that can only be described as "25 years of disappointment". I high-fived people, I hugged strangers (even the lame ones), and - this part was awkward for everybody involved - I shed a few tears of joy. That couple in the Phillies jerseys that I didn't know? We embraced, and he bought us a round of drinks. After about 20 minutes of talking, I finally found out their names - he was Donovan (first name of Eagles QB, of course), and I have no idea what her name was, but she looked exactly like my friend Fran, who's one of the biggest Phillies fans I know. It was perfect, like out of a movie. I'm actually writing this from their bedroom - I went home with them. I'm kidding.

Now that the World Series is over, just a few quick thanks:

- To my mom, Loretta, for being the only person in the greater Philadelphia area who actually missed the final inning because "Private Practice" was on and she only thought it was the fourth inning. Unbelievable. Thanks for the unexpected comic relief, Mom.

- To my girlfriend, Melissa, who is the best girlfriend in the world. See, we had tickets on Monday to see Coldplay at the Meadowlands. I had gotten the tickets two and half months ago, never anticipating it would be Game 5 of the World Series and the Phils' first chance to win it all. Mainly because I sulked more than Eeyore on Sunday night and Monday morning, she understood my plight and went to the concert with her sister instead. Before you decide that I'm a total asshole, understand that if the Phillies had won while I was listening to "Fix You", (a) I would not be happy, and (b) if that ever leaked out to my friends, I'd never live it down. (What would I say? "Sorry, guys - I had to go see about a girl.")

- To karma, for making this interesting. While Melissa was at the concert, I was watching Game 5, which in case you didn't hear, ended up being the old game in World Series history that was suspended, and probably one of the worst sporting events I've ever seen. It rained, it poured, and after 6 innings - or right around Coldplay's second encore - they postponed it til tonight. So the Phillies didn't win, and I essentially missed the concert for nothing - and probably deserved it. When leaving the show, she texted me asking if they won, and I think I just wrote back something like, "It's complicated - I'll just call you."

One last thought: last week Axl Rose announced the release (on 11/23) of "Chinese Democracy", the long-awaited, perpetually-delayed first Guns 'N Roses album since 1993...which was the last year the Phillies were in the Fall Classic. Anyway, I don't want to jinx anything here, but my theory is this: sometime back then, Axl made a bet with somebody and said, "Yeah I'll put out another album when the Phillies win a World Series, and we finally put a black dude in the White House."

Almost time to pay up, Axl. Go Phils.

The Nina, The Pinta, & The San Jose Sharks

2008-10-23T20:09:00.000-07:00

I'm watching Game 2 of The World Series right now, and it's awful. The Phillies are going to lose, I'm going to get to bed late again because Fox needs to to show the "Four Christmases" trailer every eight minutes, and the "stadium" they're playing in (home to the Tampa Bay Rays) has to be one of the worst venues in pro sports. It's a dome with a too-low ceiling, the lighting's awful, and the "turf" looks like somebody's been figure skating on it. If I didn't know this was the World Series, I'd think the Phils are playing an exhibition game in Japan or something. And if I wasn't a Phillies fan, I wouldn't watch a minute of this mess. I've never been to Tampa Bay, but I've just decided that it sucks there.

I'm getting up at 5:30AM because Melissa and I are flying out to Chicago for the weekend (visiting my brother and family, and sightseeing). That I'm very excited about - gonna be fun. Know what I'm not excited about? Flying out of Newark Airport. Probably because I spent 10 hours hanging out in Terminal A of Newark Airport last Monday. Yeah, that's it. See, I was traveling to San Jose (business, not pleasure - I know, that always sounds funny), and my morning flight was delayed, then delayed some more, and then cancelled altogether. I ended up having to take an evening flight to San Fran and then getting an hour and a half shared shuttle ride to San Jose - all told, from door in Jersey to hotel door in Cali...nineTEEN hours of travel. Know what day last Monday was? Columbus Day. Isn't that interesting - I felt like I traveled as much as he did.

I don't think I can take any more flight delays tomorrow. After spending that much time in an airport, you start to go a little crazy - I kinda felt like Tom Hanks in "The Terminal", except Spielberg wasn't filming me, Catherine Zeta-Jones never showed up, and at the end of the day I didn't get to go home and be Tom Hanks. Know what gets old after ten hours in an airport, too? People-watching. Unless it's Trista and Ryan from the first season of "The Bachelorette", and you realize they're on your new flight. That's kinda cool for about 10 minutes. Know what's not that cool? Knowing who Trista and Ryan are. Know what's even less cool? Telling the girls at work that Trista and Ryan were on your flight, and feeling stupid because they don't know who they are.

When I was in San Jose I got to go to a San Jose Sharks hockey game, though, and that was really cool. It was a Tuesday night in northern California, and 17,000 people came out on a weeknight to go nuts and pretend to be hockey fans - pretty wild, until you realize that's the only pro sports team they have in San Jose. I'm not a huge hockey fan, but I had a great time there, and I think know why. Because I did something I've never done before: I rooted wildly for a team that I have no allegiance to. Do you have any idea how freeing that is? After 30 years of being an eternally-suffering Philly sports fan? It felt awesome. I was sober, and I was high-fiving strangers after goals I didn't care about. Rooting for a team you have no connection to is amazing. It's insanely liberating - it kinda feels like you're at a bar in a foreign country, rooting for some random drunk dude to make out with a chick, and knowing that you'll never find out if they went home together. So yeah...Godspeed, San Jose Sharks.

Watching the World Series, the Tampa Bay Rays fans kinda remind me of the Sharks fans. They're adorable, and they're happy, and they just don't get it. They've had a team for ten years, and now they're in the World Series, and they just assume that "this is how things are". But it isn't. You can also go 25 years with a title in any of the four major sports like Philly fans ha-

See now, this is where I have to stop. Because now I'm turning into the typical, "woe-is-me" Philly sports fan. Which is no fun at all. Nobody wants to read a blog from a grown dude sitting in his boxers at his girlfriend's computer, slapping angrily at his keyboard because his favorite baseball team hasn't come close to a championship since he was in puberty. That's no fun. People want to read blogs about happy stuff...funny stuff...like how two months ago I got Coldplay tickets for Melissa and I for her birthday, and how the concert is now this Monday, during...Game 5 of the World Series.

That's right. I don't know what that is, but maybe it's some weird sort of karma. But whatever. I can't wait. I hope the Phils are up 3-1 in the series and about to clinch on Monday. And I hope that the game comes down to the wire, and we win. Twenty-five years without a title - suddenly broken. And I hope all my friends start calling...assuming I caught the game...and saying stuff like, "Holy shit, man!! Can you believe this is really happening?!?" And with all the noise around me I'll just pause...and then shout back, "I know!! Dude, they NEVER save 'Clocks' til the encore!! Unreal!"

God, I suck. And go Phillies.

A Few Geeks, a Book, and a Panini Place

2008-08-24T07:47:00.000-07:00

So that's the name of the book club that I joined. I know, just awful. It might as well be called, "Oprah's Book Club: Central Jersey Chapter". Or better yet, "A Few Avid Book-readers, and Some Clown Who Just Joined For His Stupid Blog." Bottom-line, though, is that I'm willingly in a book club now, and I never thought I'd be. And I didn't just join for the blog - it happened because one of the girls at work saw me reading "Into The Wild" on my lunch break a few months back, invited me to join this secret 6-person club (two other guys included - I made sure I wasn't the only dude), and since I managed to get through college with a History/PoliSci degree without actually completing a full book, my guilt kicked in and I figured now is a good time to catch up on reading. I sucked at first - our first book after I joined was "Secret Life of Bees", which I read only two chapters of, and had to come clean to the group (that's a low point), and now we're reading Steinbeck, so let's hope I don't procrastinate til the week of and have pay off some college kid for the Cliffs Notes. All I know is, when it's my turn to pick, I'm totally picking something embarrassing to be seen reading in public, like, "What to Expect When You're Expecting."

Anyway, it's been a crazy month, but I've gotten to do some cool stuff. Two weeks ago I got a chance to go out to San Francisco for a few days. My first time on the west coast, and I can definitely see how people go to Northern California and don't come back - it's awesome out there, and I saw zero guido meatheads, so it certainly beats Jersey this time of year. I was also amazed at how many people, when I told them I was going to San Fran, immediately gave me that lame, hacky old, "Hey, I hope you come back straight! (chuckle, chuckle)". Ugggh. Really? Is that still supposed to be a relevant joke? I was all confused at first, because I guess I forgot about San Fran's rep as a "gay city"...so I think any guy who says "I hope you come back straight" has clearly switched sexualities himself on a three-day business trip.

Also got to vacation down at the Jersey shore (Avalon, NJ) with Melissa and my parents when I got back last weekend. We go one weekend every year, it's my favorite shore town, and especially nice this year actually having a girlfriend with me, so I didn't have to get Mom to apply sunblock to my back in public. Or anybody else's back, for that matter - most years I'd bring a wingman (usually my friend Neal), and last year he asked Mom to get his back too. For those who've never experienced it, watching your mother vigorously rub Coppertone into your best friend's back in public is right up there with Fat Tan Ponytail Guy in Speedo on the list of Things I'd Never Like to See On the Beach Again.

And of course, I've been to a bunch of concerts this month too. Two weeks ago went to the All Points West Festival on the water in Jersey City, headlined by Radiohead. For those of you who haven't been to a festival concert in awhile, they still suck. Tickets are way overpriced, and trying to get a beer is slightly less difficult than checking luggage - we stood in one line to get carded, another to get the actual beer, and then a third where somebody held my head and poured the beer into my mouth (okay, I made that last part up, but you get the idea). The bathroom situation sucks, too - I went to use a porta-potty at night and it was un-lit inside, so I had to pee in the dark. Thought I was locked in, too, because I had trouble with the door in the dark. Heard it was quite a sight for my friends, seeing a porta-potty shaking, hearing my panicked voice saying, "Melis-Melissa!!" from inside of it, then seeing the door burst open and me emerge with a frightened look on my face and piss on my shorts. God, I suck.

Whatever, it was made all worthwhile, though, by Radiohead's amazing sets both nights. (Yes, I went to see them two nights in a row - hey, everybody's got their thing, and for me it's pro basketball and Radiohead.) And much thanks to Melissa on Saturday for pretending to enjoy Radiohead for one night. Can't imagine it must have been much fun having a half-drunk me with my arms around her, geeking-out and yelling with beer breath in her ear, "Oh my God! You don't understand - they NEVER play 'Fake Plastic Trees'!" Again, I suck.

Oh, and one last concert I can't forget is the infamous Counting Crows/Maroon 5 show two weeks back - I'm not a big fan of either, but she likes Maroon 5, I used to be into Counting Crows when I was 15, and I basically just figured it would be a good "couples concert", where we could get lawn seats and a blanket and suck face to "Sunday Morning" and "Round Here". It wasn't exactly Couplepalooza (plenty of groups of cougars and high school chicks there for that Maroon 5 dude, I guess), but it was a fun show still. Maroon 5 was better than expected, then Counting Crows came on...and they sounded good at first...until about 15 minutes in I realized that the band sounded tight, but something was just, um, off. And I then I figured it out: lead singer Adam Duritz was TRASHED. I mean, like, off-his-ass wasted. Dude was a total mess. He wasn't butchering lyrics, but he mumbled a bunch, and basically just sounded like a drunk chick singing Counting Crows during last call at karaoke night. He tried talking a few times between songs, and that didn't go well either ("Seriously, you guys should vote this year...I don't even care who for, just vote." - wow man, brilliant). He basically just seemed like a dude who clearly hasn't dealt well with not having a hit song this decade ("Shrek" soundtrack-excluded). It was actually one of the rare instances where he'd say "This is a song from our new album" and I actually DIDN'T want to take a bathroom break I wanted to see if he'd throw up onstage, and start drunk-dialing the female half of the "Friends" cast. That didn't happen, unfortunately. But we did get to see a forty-something dude have a meltdown on-stage, and that was worth the ticket price alone.

Speaking of meldowns, let's hope I don't have one when I turn 30 this Saturday. I don't anticipate it...but even it does happen, as long as it's not on a stage in front of 7000 people, with "Mr. Jones" playing in the background, I'll be okay.

Bud Light Aluminum Lime

2008-07-28T17:31:00.000-07:00

I know the big stories of this summer are supposed to be the upcoming Olympics in Beijing, or "The Dark Knight", or...nothing else at all (been pretty lame so far, right? ), but I'd like to take this moment to point out the breakout star of Summer 2008 so far: Bud Light Lime. I went to a bar last week, and was refreshed (literally) to find that I'm no longer the only loser drinking the beer with the clear bottle, smooth taste, and lime green "BL" on the label. I've noticed more and more of us (guys, especially) trying it, taking a liking to it, and giving each other the chin-out "It's-not-so-bad" seal of approval. I've also noticed that it's $6 a bottle at certain shore bars, as opposed to 4 bucks for a regular Bud Light (really, two bucks for the lime?? or for the peace of mind that your lime is artificial and in the drink already and therefore wasn't handled by a sweaty bartender?). I also noticed a few beers in that I was drinking Bud Light Lime in those scary aluminum bottles, which is another development in beer-manufacturing I don't understand. And yes, I just said "scary" - because even though the glass ones are more likely to break, don't the aluminum ones just FEEL way more dangerous? Like it could be used as a lethal weapon if a bunch of shore meatheads got restless and started a brawl with each other over how awesome tanning and/or dancing? Hypothetically.

But that was last weekend, and this weekend was good. I did a spot at a club in the city early Saturday, and then went to meet up with one of my friends to hit some bars. First, we hung around his place for a couple hours and watched "Semi-Pro" on his Blu-Ray DVD player, and I have a few thoughts about that:

1) All hype aside, Blu-Ray screens are amazing.
2) I've now seen more of Will Ferrell's anatomy than that of most girls I've dated.
3) Who the hell buys "Semi-Pro"??

I also love how watching any Will Ferrell movie has become like the International Guy Appetizer before going out. We sit around and drink beers and bond while watching increasingly-average movies of his on expensive technology (Blu-Ray? Why didn't we just go see "Step Brothers" on IMAX?), and no guy is ever like, "Come on, guys, this movie is so stupid. Just turn it off." I even bet skinny-jean hipster dudes would secretly keep "Anchorman" on, and just tell their girlfriends they were watching "Stranger Than Fiction".

Wait, but why was out having "Guys Night Out"? That's because my girlfriend was down in Atlantic City having wild and wacky "Girls Night Out". You've heard of that, right? That's where a bunch of mostly married (or in relationships) women get a room at the Borgata and hit the clubs there, where they drink and dance in a circle and bond over barely-tolerable house music. Meanwhile in NYC, I order rounds of Bud Light Limes and marvel at how young everybody got in the 7 months since I've been out of the single bar scene. We went to one of the bars to meet up with some hot young intern my friend is talking to - yes, an INTERN. The last time I was an intern, Clinton was in office. (Side note: I'm not a moron, and I obviously see the opportunity for a Clinton/intern joke here - I'm deciding to pass on it). Anyway, my point is that I thought I was well past the age where I'd ever have to ask a girl, "So what's your major?" Apparently not.

I hope I don't sound old and salty and grumpy, because I'm not. I actually had a lot of fun out Saturday night, and I'm sure my girl had a fun time in AC too. But my favorite part of the whole "Girls Night Out/Guys Night Out", is that even though we're not one of those couples who needs to be up each other's butts all the time, we still ended up doing that corny thing where we spent a decent part of the end of the night texting each other to say hi - where we're really just checking in to assure each other that we're not too wasted and/or doing anything inappropriate. You know, where texts "hey- having fun, this place is alright, gettin tired tho" really means, "Everybody here is young and attractive, but I still like you better." I think we may have texted each other "wish you were here" and "wish you were here too" at one point, which I know is beyond-corny, and doesn't make much sense. We'd actually be switching places in that scenario, and that's no fun because we still wouldn't see each other, my girlfriend would have to listen to my guy friends quote Will Ferrell, and I'd be somewhere by myself in AC because I'm pretty sure I've been kicked out the Borgata before. Basically, "Guys/Girls Night Out" is kinda like being away at separate sleepaway camps, except when you wake up the next morning, you're not thirteen. Thank God.

Speaking of age, I'm turning 30 in a month, so look for these blogs to get progressively more lame. Look for next one soon, about how I recently joined a book club. Yes. Ugh.

Sorry for the cliffhanger, but this summer's all hyping the sequels. Thanks for reading.

Viva La Nadal

2008-07-06T18:10:00.000-07:00

I just spent the majority of my Sunday watching Nadal beat Federer in the longest Wimbledon final ever - and probably the best tennis match I've ever seen. They played for almost five hours, beat the hell out of each other, and finally ended when it was around 9:30 at night in England. Meanwhile in New Jersey, I spent almost as much time digesting a queso burrito I got from Qdoba, and spooned with my girlfriend on the couch while I watched two dudes who are younger than me run all day on a grass court. It's days like this when I feel slightly unmotivated.

I also decided after today that my dream side job (right behind "pro basketball shooting guard") is to be a ball boy at Wimbledon or the US Open (not the French - I'd bust my ass on that clay surface and end up on YouTube). It would be tiring as hell, but worth it. You get better seats than all of the rich snobs who paid top dollar - and a TV credit finally ("You've seen this next comic chasing balls for Andy Roddick..."). I can't guarantee that I'd be any good at it, but I was a pretty damn good ball boy for the beer pong games at the barbecue we went to yesterday afternoon - and barehanding a bouncing ping pong ball after you've had a bunch of Miller Chills isn't as easy as it sounds.

By the way, what's the official age where you're supposed to not play beer pong anymore? Is there one? Is it thirty? I think I read that in Esquire once, but then about five minutes later I remember thinking to myself, "What the hell am I doing reading Esquire??" Seriously though, I feel like the Beer Pong Retirement Age keeps rising. We used to play all the time in college, but I never once thought, "This is so much fun, I hope I'm still doing it in ten years." Yet there we were yesterday, friends from college, most of us thirty or older, at the house of my friend and his pregnant wife, tossing wet ping pong balls at barely-filled plastic cups in a sweaty garage. It was like 1998 all over again - just without Dave Matthews on repeat in the background anymore, thankfully. Granted, it's not like we play beer pong often at all these days - maybe once every season, or on special occasions where it's appropriate, like celebrating our forefathers' independence - but I do wonder at what age one of my friends is going to sloppily line up cups in a loose triangle, and nobody's going to follow. Probably somewhere around the age of "we have kids now".

Speaking of maturing slowly, I should note that the "In a Relationship" status on my MySpace page is not the work of a hacker - I do have a girlfriend. It's been about 6 months now - which, pathetically, is pretty much a record for me. Actually, I take that back - 6 months is a long time, especially when those 6 months are the entirety of the Democratic primary season. Yes, we dated through all of that. I am proud of it, though - and I think since we came out of it intact, it will only make us a stronger couple in the Fall. (Don't worry, I don't have any "Pat/Melissa '08" bumper stickers made up. Yet.)

Actually, one of the biggest tests of our relationship so far was two weekends ago, when I dragged her to the First Annual Breslin Family Reunion '08, out in Blue Bell, PA. It was for my Irish side, which is huge (there were over 100 people there - cousins, their kids, people I'm supposedly related to, strangers claiming to be cousins of mine, etc.). It was a great time, but a little stressful beforehand. See, my girlfriend and I have been told more than a few times that we look alike facially, and could pass for brother and sister. Which is nice and cute and funny and all when people say it, but a little awkward too. And also a little scary when you're also both also Italian and Irish, and on the way to a family reunion of mine where she's really hoping she doesn't run into any relatives of her own. That would have been unfortunate. Although we both agreed that if it happened, we'd just pretend that it didn't, and continue to date and have sex with each other. It's only right.

Anyway, that didn't happen, so as far as I know I'm luckily not related to my girlfriend. We did, however, meet on Match.com - which apparently is still just as weird and creepy to some people. I know, people meet on Match all the time these days - that's true. But I guess they don't freely admit it as much as we do. It's not like we're promoting for the site or anything, or wearing Match t-shirts (I know, we totally should), but I suck at lying so when people ask how we met, I tell them. (She winked at me, so I emailed back.) I have no shame, so I have no problem telling people. But whenever I tell anybody we met on Match, they always give the same lame reaction, like I just told them I'm going to be a male cheerleader or something ("You know, that's not as weird these days anymore...people do that now..."). So I think from now on when people ask, I'm just going to make it sound even more weird and creepy: "You know how you can take a picture of your face and go to a website, and it tells you what celebrities you look most like? Well you can do that with non-celebrities now too. They told me I looked 94% like Melissa, so I had to track her down. That's how we met." Once that gets out, I think people will stop asking.

Okay, that's all for now.

High School Musical

2008-05-01T08:50:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I went back to my old high school in South Jersey for the first time in 12 years. And it was by choice, to visit - not like I had a Pre-calc mid-term they needed me to make up or something. The occasion was their spring musical, which this year was "Godspell". And the last time they put on a production of "Godspell" was my senior year, 1996, and it was the only time I've done musical theater, before or since.

I know, shocking. You had this notion of Pat Breslin always being this macho dude, and figured I was probably defensive lineman on the football team back in high school or something (SARCASM ALERT), but that was not the case. Actually, when I look back high school was kinda weird for me because for the first three years of it I had a grand total of three friends. Two of the guys didn't get along with each other, and the other, who was my best friend, got a girlfriend mid-junior year who he started having sex with. I wasn't invited for that, so I started getting involved in school activities to meet new friends. As luck would have it, I did - I got very involved in student council junior and senior year, made a lot of new friends, and the good friends I made around that time year are the guys I still keep in touch with to this day.

A lot of my friends were the athletes from my class - mostly the guys on the basketball team, which may or may not be a coincidence. I was captain of the tennis team senior year (I know, it just keeps getting better), and although I was good at tennis, I was never really that into it because basketball was my sport (I tried out and got cut freshman AND sophomore years) and I was just always bitter that I had to wear tight white shorts and show off my chicken legs and pretend I was having a good time, while my friends would play night games with the whole school watching, and got to do things like hook up with girls afterwards. There were never any tennis groupies (just lots of moms pretending to watch), and I don't think there ever should be.

I'm not sure when, but sometime mid-Senior year the Student Activities Director approached me and asked if I'd try out for the spring musical that year. Apparently they needed guys for it, and although I had never acted before, I was outgoing and very much a ham (I know, still am), so it wasn't much of a stretch. I don't remember it taking much persuading (I was a school activities junkie at that point anyway), but I do remember being worried that I didn't know how to sing. Like, at all.

I actually found out much later that they had originally intended for me to play the "Jesus" character (possibly because I'd never been laid and was heavy into grunge), but that changed the night of the audition. I didn't know much about musicals and the only soundtrack I had was "Grease", and I remember just trying to find the easiest song on there that was sung by a dude...so somehow I settled on "Beauty School Dropout." I can still vividly remember the good vibe in the room when I walked in and we were chatting, and how quickly it changed as soon as I started singing. There were three of them there, and my singing was so bad, I think they honestly thought I was messing with them at first - I just saw jaws drop, eyebrows arch, and a whole variety of confused and sad expressions. It may have been one of the worst singing performances of all time (Sanjaya included), and about halfway through the song I think they just politely had me stop, thanked me for my time, and crossed me off "The Jesus List". If the Lord is indeed watching from above, He's probably got that performance on his Top 5 Favorite Awkward YouTube clips.

So I didn't get to play Jesus because I sing like Ashlee Simpson, but they ended up giving me another role in the show (it's basically Jesus, John the Baptist, and then everybody else). I got a bunch of the funny lines, and thankfully for civilization, no solos. Over those next couple months we practiced non-stop and it was exhausting (was somehow playing tennis at the same time too), and in the end the show came out great and I'm glad I did it. Joining the spring musical your senior year is a great way to have your friends suddenly question your sexuality, but it's also a great way to make new friends and do things you didn't think you were capable of. Like whisper-singing "Day by Day" just low enough to not screw up the chorus.

And I'm real glad I went back to see this year's production of it. I got an invitation in the mail (they invited the original cast), and since Girl I'm Dating was babysitting, Mom went with me. It was weird going back, but in some ways felt like nothing had changed - the kids look YOUNG, but I was still acting just like them, embarrassed when Mom kept awkwardly taking picture with everybody I spoke with ("Stop it, Mommmm!!"). And the kids put on a great show - better than when we did it 12 years ago. It was funny, at the end they called us backstage to meet the cast and I didn't know what to do, just kept saying to these little kids staring at me, "Great job, you were awesome", "Great job, awesome", "You were awesome, great job". I couldn't have felt older, and then these two giggling girls go to me, "Ummm, were you Jeesusss??" And when I said, "Nahh, actually I wasn't", they got this snotty, disappointed look on their fact, said "Oh, alright", and walked away. Yep, still uncool with the girls in that building - it felt right. And who knew chicks think it's cool to be Jesus?? If only I could have held a note back then, maybe I would have actually gotten laid.

Oh, and by the way, I wasn't the worst singer ever. I once saw a chubby guy at a karaoke bar singing Melissa Etheridge's "Like The Way I Do" (he was practically crying through it, clearly had just gotten dumped), and he was way worse. I thanked him for that, and he had no idea why. Thanks, have a nice day.