Wisdom Teeth Weekend

I was talking to my Mom earlier tonight and she mentioned that a family friend of ours checked my website this weekend, and noticed that I haven't blogged since I got engaged, which is true. While my first thought was "Mom's friends are on my website?", my second reaction was that now's as good a time as any to start up again, since I've been stuck in all weekend long:

- I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday morning, which really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. And when I say "not as bad as I thought it would be", I should clarify that I really didn't think it would hurt too bad (my doctor said I just needed novocaine and didn't need to go under). My biggest fear was just that I would be outed as the giant man-wuss that I am, and yelp like a dog whose tail's been stepped on. You may think that's dramatic, but in little league I was so afraid of the ball that I almost batted from OUTSIDE the batter's box. I suck.

- Most awkward experience of the Wisdom Teeth Removal was making my follow-up appointment in 2 weeks (why is that necessary, by the way? Does he just want to make sure they're really gone??). I had an obnoxious Phillies shirt on, and one of the secretaries was a Flyers fan, so we bonded over their Stanley Cup Finals loss this week. And when I say "bonded", I mean that she didn't at all seem freaked out that I was carrying on a conversation with a swollen cheek and a huge blood-filled gauze pad in my mouth. I swear I talked hockey with these secretaries for a good five minutes, and the whole time I was all mumbles with my bloddy mouth wide open. Basically, it was exactly like a hockey post-game interview.

- Like most Americans, I've decided to try watching soccer this weekend...and so far, so good. I got through watching one entire game, and it wasn't awful. It kinda felt like voting for a local election - I felt mildly patriotic by doing so, but I won't remember I did this tomorrow. My only complaint so far: games that end in ties always suck. I can imagine it's a bummer for the players, but I feel like even more so for me - because even though nothing productive came from the game's result...at least those guys got some exercise. Can't say the same for myself.

- On, my other complaint about the World Cup: what's with the "giant swarm of bees" soundtrack to every game? Tell me I'm not the only person who's hearing that.

- My wife is currently at a bachelorette party, and I'm designated to pick up her and her girlfriends when they get back in an hour or so. She's actually been gone all day and night (with a brief pitstop here mid-day), because they had the girl's bridal shower this morning. Anyway, in descending order of lame-ness, here are the things I did today while she's been out:

- Made myself soup
- Ate Jell-o and pudding that Melissa prepared for me
- Spoke to my Mom a whopping three times
- Read Newsweek cover-to-cover and watched "The Special Relationship" on HBO
(just hand me a kid already, 'cause I'm already acting like a dad)
- Blogged
- Got so bored I almost started reading my wife's therapist books
- Made an iPod playlist of songs that my wife will tolerate me playing around
our condo, titled "Songs Melissa Tolerates"

So there you go. I'm back, and tomorrow shapes up to be a better day. I've gotten rid of two very unimportant teeth, and tomorrow I'll be back to 100%. We actually have a Christening to go to, which I totally could have gotten out of if I wanted to...and I never thought I'd be EXCITED to go to some strange kid's Baptism, but I am THAT starved for conversation right now. I suck.

Top 5 Save the Date Magnets

About a month ago, Melissa and I ordered our Save the Date magnets online, and when they arrived in the mail everything in the picture looked fine...except that our faces were bright, shiny and orange. Everything had looked fine when we submitted it, but for whatever reason they printed out funny and we look like a bunch of very happy, very orange people (we were tan in the picture, but we look like Oompa Loompas in the magnet). Long story short, the company agreed to let us do-over for free and we ended up having to get my friend Eric, who has a really good camera, to take a picture of us at a park in his neighborhood a few weeks back, and they came out lovely. I just got notification that the new magnets have shipped and will arrive Thursday. If, for some reason, they come out making us looking different than we look in real life...then here are my Top 5 ideas on what to send out:

#5 - Original picture, with the question, "Orange you glad you're invited to our wedding?"

#4 - Original picture, with the phrase, "Shiny Happy People". Then post it on numerous Garden State Parkway tolls, giving thousands of 2009 Jersey shore-goers the impression we're a new R.E.M. cover band/duo.

#3 - Headshot of the Phillie Phanatic

#2 - My roommate just got a Save the Date magnet last week from some dude we used to know, and, no joke, it's a picture of the guy and his girlfriend sitting on a jetty staring at the beach. It looks ridiculous. It totally looks like a Valtrex commercial. If ours come back crappy, I'm sending this dude's magnet out.

#1 - No picture. Just the date (12/19/09), and phrase, "Where will amazing happen this year?"

Thanks.

Top 5 Things About Being Engaged

I got engaged 11 days ago, on the steps outside the Art Museum in Philly (and not the main "Rocky" steps - too many morons running up and down). She said yes, it was great, it was awesome, it was wonderful....and I was a stuttering, sweating, crying, blubbering mess. The week and a half since has been a total blur...but now that we've set a date (December somethingth, this year) and I've had time to regroup, here are the top things I've noticed about being engaged so far:

- When you tell people you're engaged, one of their first questions is always, "Did you guys set a date??" Which is a perfectly legit question...except if they're asking an hour and a half into your engagement ("Actually, I haven't even gone to the bathroom yet"). I think most people really just ask because they feel like they have to ask, but I love how the ones who sound like they REALLY want to know are always the ones who you know aren't going to be invited anyway. ("Sure, when we do I'll let you know...so you can go ahead and make other plans for that day.")

- The other big one is "Was she surprised?" I don't really get that one - is it every girl's fantasy to get punk'd when we propose?

- In case you're just tuning in, Melissa and I met on Match.com. Which means I'm probably about 10 months away from being a Match.com commercial. Wonderful. ("This next guy coming to the stage works clubs and colleges, and you may also recognize him from cuddling with his wife in a hammock on TV...")

- I spent all of last weekend driving around North Jersey with Melissa and her parents, looking at different reception venues, smiling and nodding, and pretending to not be confused by the dinner menus. But the part I'm REALLY looking forward to is when we go DJ-shopping...because, believe it or not, I actually used to be a wedding DJ (cringe) for a few years in the late-90s (believe it). I have no idea which DJ we're going to go with...but my money's on whichever dude least reminds me of myself circa 1998 ("Shave that goatee and lose the visor, and we'll book you.")

- This is a truly unique time to be engaged. Melissa and I are in full-on "save mode" for the next 10 months, watching every penny we spend and trying to find any way possible to save. So I can't say I feel any different...because it feels like the rest of the country is engaged right now too.

Alright, that's all for now. I have to get back to deciding on a picture for the Save the Date magnets. Plenty more on all this to come.

Top 5 Disappointments From Eagles Game (Non-football-related)

And when I say "non-football-related" I just mean that lots of plays during the game were disappointing, and I'm in no mood to cover them now. So here was everything else:

5) Going to an Eagles Party for the game: I wasn't superstitious, but I think I am now. Should have just stayed low-key and watched it a local bar like we did for the first couple playoff games...but instead we decided to show up at my friends' full-fledged Eagles party. And I'm sure that's the reason why our defense decided not to show up at the game.

4) Getting made fun of by everybody for wearing my McNabb jersey tucked into my jeans: I realize I look like a big dorky dad wearing my jersey like this, but it's a Large and if I untuck it almost goes down to my kneecaps and then I kinda look like an Eagles cheerleader who's wearing nothing but a jersey and heels in the March 2009 page of the team calendar. Except that I'm a guy, and I clearly have pants on. Whatever.

3) Bears fan sitting up front by the TV and being loud and annoying: No idea who this guy was, and thank God we weren't playing the Bears...but why were you at our party? You talked a lot, I couldn't tell if you were wearing a do-rag or not, and you were smiling way too much during the first half. Thank God you left at halftime, or this blog would be entirely about you.

2) Non-football smalltalk during extremely tense moments: It was 4th and ten, one last-ditch play for the Eagles left, when they cut to commercial for the two-minute warning...and one of my friends broke the silence by actually saying to me, "So how's comedy going?" I don't even think I moved my eyes from the screen and just said to Melissa, "Hon, can you deal with that for me?"

1) "Snow ahead" signs on the Turnpike on the ride back: We saw about eight of these on the hour ride back home, and kept wondering where the hell the snow was each time. What a tease. Kinda like when your favorite sports team gets within one win of the Super Bowl every other year, then stops playing.

And if you don't follow football, all you needed to know for this blog was that yesterday was the fifth NFC Championship Game the Eagles have played in during The Bush Administration. And it ended up being the fourth that they lost. So here's hoping for some real change. Mr. Obama, can you please stop the recession and get me a Super Bowl win too? That's all I ask. Thanks.

Personal Top Fives of 2008

Who said the year completely sucked?

Top 5 Personal Best:

5 - First ever trip to West Coast
4 - Got iPhone
3 - Phils win World Series
2 - Obama/Biden wins
1 - Fell in love with a girl

Corresponding Playlist for Top 5 Personal Best:

5 - Going to California
4 - Viva la Vida
3 - Philadelphia Freedom
2 - Ebony & Ivory(?)
1 - Fell in Love With a Girl

Top 5 Awkward:

5 - (Tie) Melissa telling her parents about my Blog at dinner/My mom asking how to get on Facebook
4 - That benefit show I did for three hundred bikers (BIKERS, not dollars)
3 - My guy friends finding out I joined a book club (“The what Life of Bees?”)
2 - Attempting drums on Rock Band at Halloween party, appearing tone-deaf.
1 - At my nephew’s First Communion in April, there was a family in front of me in church with two young teenagers who kept tickling each other and playing grab-ass the whole time (and he kept whispering in her ear and giggling). Never found out if they were boyfriend/girlfriend or brother/sister. Creepy, bizarre, hilarious.

Top 5 Lived Up to Hype:

5 - Phelps at Olympics (had him in my Fantasy Swimming League)
4 - Ledger as The Joker (need to get him in my Fantasy Oscars League)
3 - Radiohead concerts (hey everybody, watch me geek-out for 2 hours)
2 - My friends’ weddings (oh wait, am I next?)
1 - Nadal vs. Federer (Breakfast at Wimbledon becomes lunch and then dinner)

Top 5 Pleasant Surprises:

5 - Match.com (see girlfriend)
4 - Fey as Palin (comedy perfection)
3 - Eagles humiliate Cowboys, sneak into playoffs on final week (Top Christmas presents ever?)
2 - Gas prices finally drop (no idea who’s responsible, but thank you)
1 - Turning 30, feeling no different (it’s the new 29)

Top 5 Letdowns:

5 - Chinese Democracy (a month later, already collecting dust)
4 - Celtics/Lakers (The Finals, not the Christmas Day game)
3 - CatholicMatch.com (don’t ask)
2 - Phillies victory parade (2 million drunk fans + parade never passing by me + public transportation nightmare = I have a headache)
1 - My 401k (I’m sorry, what 401k?)

Happy New Year, everybody.

Best Half-Game Ever

It's almost midnight on Wednesday, and I just got the following text from from friend's wife, who is staying at a hotel in Philadelphia all week for a work conference:

"I just saw a guy climb a light pole and punch out the light. I am never getting to sleep tonight."

Of course he did. The Phillies just won their first World Series since Carter was in office, and the city's first pro sports title since I was five. That's a lot of years of waiting, and everyone's got their own way of celebrating. I just hope that light pole learned it's lesson.

I think I'm still in shock right now...mainly because I don't know how to react. Here's how I did, though: I watched the game at a mostly-empty bar in New Brunswick, with a couple of friends (non-Phillies fans) and a seat at the bar right in front of the screen. There was a group of about 10 out-of-town business-travelers there who were clearly freaked out by me and my repeated clapping and yelling. I heard them snicker, but they each looked like they've never felt passionately about anything, ever. Good - I wish them long flight delays when they leave.

As the half-game (I'll explain later, or just read the news) was winding down, I heard somebody else clapping along with me - and saw some dude with his girlfriend, both of them wearing Phillies jerseys. We nodded, and continued to feel cautiously optimistic. Three outs to go. Then two outs. Then a few strikes...and then the final strike came, and - I didn't think I had this in me - but I leapt up in the air and let out a yell that can only be described as "25 years of disappointment". I high-fived people, I hugged strangers (even the lame ones), and - this part was awkward for everybody involved - I shed a few tears of joy. That couple in the Phillies jerseys that I didn't know? We embraced, and he bought us a round of drinks. After about 20 minutes of talking, I finally found out their names - he was Donovan (first name of Eagles QB, of course), and I have no idea what her name was, but she looked exactly like my friend Fran, who's one of the biggest Phillies fans I know. It was perfect, like out of a movie. I'm actually writing this from their bedroom - I went home with them. I'm kidding.

Now that the World Series is over, just a few quick thanks:

- To my mom, Loretta, for being the only person in the greater Philadelphia area who actually missed the final inning because "Private Practice" was on and she only thought it was the fourth inning. Unbelievable. Thanks for the unexpected comic relief, Mom.

- To my girlfriend, Melissa, who is the best girlfriend in the world. See, we had tickets on Monday to see Coldplay at the Meadowlands. I had gotten the tickets two and half months ago, never anticipating it would be Game 5 of the World Series and the Phils' first chance to win it all. Mainly because I sulked more than Eeyore on Sunday night and Monday morning, she understood my plight and went to the concert with her sister instead. Before you decide that I'm a total asshole, understand that if the Phillies had won while I was listening to "Fix You", (a) I would not be happy, and (b) if that ever leaked out to my friends, I'd never live it down. (What would I say? "Sorry, guys - I had to go see about a girl.")

- To karma, for making this interesting. While Melissa was at the concert, I was watching Game 5, which in case you didn't hear, ended up being the old game in World Series history that was suspended, and probably one of the worst sporting events I've ever seen. It rained, it poured, and after 6 innings - or right around Coldplay's second encore - they postponed it til tonight. So the Phillies didn't win, and I essentially missed the concert for nothing - and probably deserved it. When leaving the show, she texted me asking if they won, and I think I just wrote back something like, "It's complicated - I'll just call you."

One last thought: last week Axl Rose announced the release (on 11/23) of "Chinese Democracy", the long-awaited, perpetually-delayed first Guns 'N Roses album since 1993...which was the last year the Phillies were in the Fall Classic. Anyway, I don't want to jinx anything here, but my theory is this: sometime back then, Axl made a bet with somebody and said, "Yeah I'll put out another album when the Phillies win a World Series, and we finally put a black dude in the White House."

Almost time to pay up, Axl. Go Phils.

The Nina, The Pinta, & The San Jose Sharks

I'm watching Game 2 of The World Series right now, and it's awful. The Phillies are going to lose, I'm going to get to bed late again because Fox needs to to show the "Four Christmases" trailer every eight minutes, and the "stadium" they're playing in (home to the Tampa Bay Rays) has to be one of the worst venues in pro sports. It's a dome with a too-low ceiling, the lighting's awful, and the "turf" looks like somebody's been figure skating on it. If I didn't know this was the World Series, I'd think the Phils are playing an exhibition game in Japan or something. And if I wasn't a Phillies fan, I wouldn't watch a minute of this mess. I've never been to Tampa Bay, but I've just decided that it sucks there.

I'm getting up at 5:30AM because Melissa and I are flying out to Chicago for the weekend (visiting my brother and family, and sightseeing). That I'm very excited about - gonna be fun. Know what I'm not excited about? Flying out of Newark Airport. Probably because I spent 10 hours hanging out in Terminal A of Newark Airport last Monday. Yeah, that's it. See, I was traveling to San Jose (business, not pleasure - I know, that always sounds funny), and my morning flight was delayed, then delayed some more, and then cancelled altogether. I ended up having to take an evening flight to San Fran and then getting an hour and a half shared shuttle ride to San Jose - all told, from door in Jersey to hotel door in Cali...nineTEEN hours of travel. Know what day last Monday was? Columbus Day. Isn't that interesting - I felt like I traveled as much as he did.

I don't think I can take any more flight delays tomorrow. After spending that much time in an airport, you start to go a little crazy - I kinda felt like Tom Hanks in "The Terminal", except Spielberg wasn't filming me, Catherine Zeta-Jones never showed up, and at the end of the day I didn't get to go home and be Tom Hanks. Know what gets old after ten hours in an airport, too? People-watching. Unless it's Trista and Ryan from the first season of "The Bachelorette", and you realize they're on your new flight. That's kinda cool for about 10 minutes. Know what's not that cool? Knowing who Trista and Ryan are. Know what's even less cool? Telling the girls at work that Trista and Ryan were on your flight, and feeling stupid because they don't know who they are.

When I was in San Jose I got to go to a San Jose Sharks hockey game, though, and that was really cool. It was a Tuesday night in northern California, and 17,000 people came out on a weeknight to go nuts and pretend to be hockey fans - pretty wild, until you realize that's the only pro sports team they have in San Jose. I'm not a huge hockey fan, but I had a great time there, and I think know why. Because I did something I've never done before: I rooted wildly for a team that I have no allegiance to. Do you have any idea how freeing that is? After 30 years of being an eternally-suffering Philly sports fan? It felt awesome. I was sober, and I was high-fiving strangers after goals I didn't care about. Rooting for a team you have no connection to is amazing. It's insanely liberating - it kinda feels like you're at a bar in a foreign country, rooting for some random drunk dude to make out with a chick, and knowing that you'll never find out if they went home together. So yeah...Godspeed, San Jose Sharks.

Watching the World Series, the Tampa Bay Rays fans kinda remind me of the Sharks fans. They're adorable, and they're happy, and they just don't get it. They've had a team for ten years, and now they're in the World Series, and they just assume that "this is how things are". But it isn't. You can also go 25 years with a title in any of the four major sports like Philly fans ha-

See now, this is where I have to stop. Because now I'm turning into the typical, "woe-is-me" Philly sports fan. Which is no fun at all. Nobody wants to read a blog from a grown dude sitting in his boxers at his girlfriend's computer, slapping angrily at his keyboard because his favorite baseball team hasn't come close to a championship since he was in puberty. That's no fun. People want to read blogs about happy stuff...funny stuff...like how two months ago I got Coldplay tickets for Melissa and I for her birthday, and how the concert is now this Monday, during...Game 5 of the World Series.

That's right. I don't know what that is, but maybe it's some weird sort of karma. But whatever. I can't wait. I hope the Phils are up 3-1 in the series and about to clinch on Monday. And I hope that the game comes down to the wire, and we win. Twenty-five years without a title - suddenly broken. And I hope all my friends start calling...assuming I caught the game...and saying stuff like, "Holy shit, man!! Can you believe this is really happening?!?" And with all the noise around me I'll just pause...and then shout back, "I know!! Dude, they NEVER save 'Clocks' til the encore!! Unreal!"

God, I suck. And go Phillies.